You guys I am going to write a rock opera about Opera and Vivaldi. All the major browsers will be represented by human characters. Chrome will be the abusive friend who takes every resource he can and doesn’t even feel bad about it, and then conveniently doesn’t answer the phone when you need a favor. Firefox will be the flaky friend who keeps screwing up all the time, bailing on you when you were counting on her. At the end of the second act, Firefox and Chrome get into a horrible car crash when they collide on the freeway while texting. Internet Explorer will be some kind of creepy meth head who thinks you and him are best friends and refuses to leave you alone. This one time he let all of his junkie friends into your house and they robbed you blind because he has no concepts of personal space or security or privacy. Safari will be the douchey know-it-all roommate who acts like he’s hip and knows everything but in reality he has no idea what he’s doing and his life is a hot mess. Opera is the main character. The story starts with her moving to a new town and she’s really smart and good at schoolwork but not very good at sports, and everyone makes fun of her for being different. Flash — who is the school’s token vapid popular girl and probably also the captain of the cheerleading squad — makes it her personal mission to make Opera’s life in the new town hell. Opera tries to ignore her because she can tell she’s a phony but in act one all of the other browser characters love the shit out of her and they just gang up on Opera and ignore her. Also they all make fun of her for kissing up to the teacher (a character who represents the concept of standards in web design languages). Meanwhile Chrome is busy doing something just clearly irresponsible like strapping a jet engine to the top of his car but everyone loves him for it. Also Chrome is probably too busy doing coke *and* steroids at the same time to be bothered by anyone else. The second act gets super dark. Eventually Opera slides into depression. We see some new faces like Facebook and Twitter and some idiot who actually legally changes his name to “Web 2.0” and they see Opera drinking herself into a stupor alone in a bar but they’re just like, “Hahaha, look at that joke, let’s not support her” and “if you want us to care, you gotta have market share.” Opera sees how successful and liked that douchebag Chrome is and tries to copy him with everything. That alienates her few true friends who try to tell her that she’s changed but she won’t listen and then her friends go out and hang with other browsers instead. But then in the third act, Firefox and Safari and Chrome and even Internet Explorer all suddenly turn on Flash because they realize she’s literally been creeping into their houses and shivving them in their sleep. And then Opera’s like… “wait that’s what I was trying to tell them all along…” and that’s when she starts to remember what she used to be. Anyway Opera (whose last name turns out to be Vivaldi by the way) gets her life back together and then gets elected president. Chrome straight-up dies doing something just horribly irresponsible like skydiving onto mars. Safari and Internet Explorer have to move back into their parents’ basements. Firefox’s life is a mess but he does have a couple decent friends that check him into rehab. This is maybe the dorkiest thing I have ever written in my whole life, all because Firefox and Safari Mobile keep crashing on me today.
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